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Dear diary,
Right this moment, I do not know who can I turn to and run to, so I shall put it all in words here. I have not been feeling good for the whole of today, a big stone seemed to be hiding deep inside, compressing my heart.

I'd finally made up my decision to let go of 300609 last night. I know I'm stupid, to let go of a guy who can loves me wholeheartedly. I know I'm being a bitch, to hurt him one time after another. Love is never fair, but I still think that this love is way too unfair for him. All along this journey, he has been the one putting effort into this relationship, while I have been the one stepping back. I remembered myself once telling him, I wouldn't do what all his ex girlfriends had did, giving him up just because of two words, 'feelings faded'. But why is this happening to me now? I dared not deny that my heart feels a little less than before towards him. I can tell everyone around me that I'm fine, and I'm not upset at all. If this is so, why do my tears still rolled down when I read his blog? Heartache? Yes of course, but I supposed it's more than that. It's all my fault. If not for me, he wouldn't ended up in this state.. Grief.

Today, I was alone, with the two couples. He walked with she, and him walked with her. How about me? Walking behind like a nobody's child, faking a smile throughout. No one knows how much, how deep, it hurts inside. I missed you, but I told myself that I have to be independent and get through all these, because I do not wish to commit the same mistake repeatedly. I felt sadness, but at the same time relieved, when I didn't receive your text at all. Sad, because I thought that you didn't miss me at all. Relieved, because I thought that you're really fine. After reading your blog, I guessed I was wrong..

I spoke to 270506 last night. Finally, after some time of not contacting. My tears rolled down as I typed every single message to him, as usual. His mind is still hard to read, as usual. I don't deny that my heart still feels something for him, but at the same time, I asked myself: "If both 270506 and 300609 are right in front of me to give me a choice, who would I choose?" I couldn't come out with an answer, and that is what that had made me realized that me myself, doesn't even know what I want. I couldn't find the key to my heart. Deep in thought, I started to think that love is a very tiring thing, and I decided to give up on love. The one I love wholeheartedly isn't the one who loves me, while the one who loves me wholeheartedly isn't the one I love wholeheartedly. Why is love so miserable?

Thinking the other way round, things may not be as complicated as I thought, it could all be solved if I can sort my thoughts out. But right now, I couldn't even find the key to my own heart, I'm stuck at a turning point. Everything is so confusing, and I am so not alright. I need someone to pick me up, I've really fallen too deepen this time round like never before. I hate myself for being so vulnerable. So sick of love songs, so sad and slow.. :'(